I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
