i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
