I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
