you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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