Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
