You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
How does it feel to date your dad?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
