so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
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