I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize