i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Randomize
