The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
barbara walters just said penis...
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
