I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
