my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
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