I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize