no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
