If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
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