Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Randomize
