my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
