Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
