If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
vagina is talking i cant
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Randomize
