Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
