My pussy is not your playground.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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