I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
