do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
