I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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