OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
