How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
