dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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