I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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