I wish I only lived at night.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
