Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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