Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
