She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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