Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
