11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Randomize
