I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
my shit smells like andre
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
