I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize