Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Randomize
