What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
