for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
