Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
