my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
