Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
