the condom got lost in my hair
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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