for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
