please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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