Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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