I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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