This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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