he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
