Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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