Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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