I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
