He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Who died my cat blue again?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
