so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize