a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
