We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Well I just put wine in my tea
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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