Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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