I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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