she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
