Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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