He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
