Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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