community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
He better not be in your backpack
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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