i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
