Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
