I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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