Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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